The monotonous meanderings of my life and mind

Come'n back! Misspellings and all.

2010-09-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

It's a new school year, a new fall semester, and i think i'm gonna try this whole blogging thing again. I secretly hope that the few people who would gaze upon it before have moved on to much cooler and interesting things then reading the meandering self important scribbling of me, but who knows. There are really three reasons I want to do this again.

are you ready for a riveting list?...

!. I find it entertaining to write something that won't be graded or corrected by anyone.

2. It is entertaining to have something to look back on. A compendium of my thought patterns that I can one day show the young'ns and say, "see kids, this is a computer. Before it was wired into you frontal cortex we got on the internet like this. JIMMY STOP MIND LOADING PORN IN PUBLIC!!"

3. I write differently when I think that someone else might read it. More coherently and clearly and with a constant eye on my eventual candidacy for the governor of Illinois and subsequent enditment for corruption. (it's what they do there apparently)

Peace and Grace

Oh the discombobulation!!

2009-10-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

Everyone once in a while I feel like a mess. This wouldn't really be an issue if I could look at my life and see the messiness. At least that way I would have a plan of attack. No, for me it's all this kind of internal discombobulation. The feeling that I am off kilter. That something just doesn't feel right. At this point it really only effects my sleeping habits ( I can't seem to) and my motivation (I have none).

So I'm going to go ahead and see if I can get down to the bottom of this with a bit of spiritual exercise. This idea may come from the fact that I have been reading about the desert fathers lately and I like them. But either way i'm gonna kick this party off with a 4 day fast. From now till monday at noon.

Now I know what your thinking. "Mike, but if you get your crap together how will you possibly keep up on the atrocious amounts of online T.V. you've been watching and the massive quantities of cheese based meals you've been consuming!?" These are the risks a man must take.

Wish me luck.

Ruth Rumiko Ozaki

2009-04-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

This is My grandmother. She is 87 years old. When my mom was in the hospital she kept my family afloat financially and resisted being payed back.

She did a fair bit of raising of me and my sisters.

I'm really quite fond of her. We all are.

but unfortunately he heath went down hill really fast this last year and over the last 2 days she had a series of strokes. The doctors are saying that she probably won't last more then a couple of days.

I'll probably be coming back to california for a bit real soon. Not sure about details though.

quote of the day

2009-04-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

"I've come to meet the legendary takers. I've only come to ask them for a lot. Well they say I come with less then I should rightfully posses, I say the more I buy the more I'm bought. The more I buy the less I cost."

Deep simplicity 3

2009-04-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

Continuing with my previous rants...

Another thing that this all makes me think of is Chariots.

In deuteronomy God is setting up all the rules for his new nation, his new people. They are going to be a different Kind of people who run a different kind of system. Nothing like the empire they came out of (egypt) or the ones that will surround them (babylon, assyria, cannon).

And God knows we tend to just do what the most powerful around us do. They must be right, right? Look at all their stuff!

But God says this new people have to rest one day a week, they have to treat the foreigner among them the same way they treat each other, they can't harvest the corners of their fields, that's for the poor to take. Every 7 years they have to free all slaves and release all debts and every 49 years every, all ownership and land has to go back to what it was.

In the empire this is terrible economics, but in the Kingdom it's beautiful community.

Mixed in with all these rules is an interesting directive for the King
Deuteronomy 17:16
The king, moreover, must not acquire great numbers of horses for himself or make
the people return to Egypt to get more of them, for the LORD has told you, "You are
not to go back that way again."

No horses...but why?

Horses were the Tanks and planes of the Bronze age. Empires were built and conquered on the backs of horses. Especially the most advanced weapon of that time...the Chariot. If you ever wanted to take over an army, to advance on a city, to push your might across a battle field, you HAD to have chariots and horses! You could defend without them...but not attack. But God says no. "your not to Go back that way again."

GOD'S people are not to be like THOSE people. GOD'S kingdom is not to be like THOSE empires.

Again He seems to be putting limits on technology for his people. He seems to know what we do and become with greater and greater power and fewer and fewer limits.
So what happens with people and groups that DO do this? What do they look like. What do they do and how do they think? Or are they just freaks in the forest who psychologists would LOVE to get their hands on?

later man...I"ll rant more later!

Quote of the day

2009-04-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

By Henry Nouwen just before he quit his job as a Harvard professor and moved into a home for disabled adults called L'Arch, "something inside is telling me that my success is putting my soul in danger."

Deep Simplicity

2009-04-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

Talking about this stuff makes me think of the Tower of Babel, Horses and the Amish.

Let me explain...

The flood happened a while back and Noah and all his gang left the boat, set out across what is Mesopotamia and multiplied like a bunch of middle eastern bunnies.

Slowly they move east and come to "the plane of shinara". forget the industrial revolution, this is where the first technology boom happens. They figure out how to make bricks, then morter then real buildings and a city. In this city they decided to make a building that can reach to the heavens so that they can "make a name for themselves."

It's human nature to do this. To build, to create, to advance more and more. We count this as success and a sign that we are better then once were. Think about it, the most "developed" societies are the ones with the most tech.

But God takes issue with this view.

Gen 11 says;
But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them." So he changes the language and scatters them all around.

Growing up I learned this story as a working against doing something before asking God if I should. But i think what it really is is a view into God's thinking on progression and technology.

"nothing they plan will be impossible for them"

we would say this is great. We want to be limitless, especially in our ability to create. But maby what were really trying to be is our own Gods. Limitless, in need of nothing and no one. All powerful.

Since the beginning of the industrial revolution in 1800 our ability has been growing at an exponential rate. We live longer, go further, make faster. But the question maybe is not what can we do but what do we do with it all.

-in the last 100 years more people have been killed in war and genocide then in the previous 4000 years combined.

- Each day over 80'000 ares of forest are destroyed

-there is most slavery today then at any other time in history

- there is more economic inequality now then at any other time in history (20% own 80% of the wealth and 30% own 94%)

Maby God had something better planned for his people then advancement. And mabey focusing on that makes us loose site of what that is.

Deep Simplicity

2009-03-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

I am a lazy bastard.

I have a dirty love affair with T.V. from which i occasionally take a break to wrap myself around my second lover...internet.

I hate this about myself, but through the last 25 years using these things for entertainment and relaxation has become engrained in me. When I'm without it I get so board and restless.

painfully board.

I've been thinking about this a lot and why it is so. I mean, I'm sure people on the prairie didn't get board as easily as me. Does that mean they were more content...happier? Does that fact that I need more and more stuff, greater and greater stimulus, louder and louder voices to occupy my mind and be content?

As if to drive the point home my friend Chris www.kretzu.com/blog posted this video

So now i'm thinking,

mabey progress isn't everything we think it is.

more on this later...i'm getting board.

2009-03-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

I have a crush on a girl.

It's causing me no end of anxiety.

resulting in this face

and to consider actually buying glasses like these

Psh, chicks man.

A thoughts on thoughts

2009-03-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

I used to think differently.

I used to have real deep important thoughts about interesting things. I don't feel like I do this anymore.

This ability was stolen from me, like a midnight thief through the unlocked doors of my mind. I even know who the culprit it.

SCHOOL!

I've never been very good at school. I chalk this up to the fact that my attention span really didn't mature much since Jr. High, and Jr. high was ROUGH. So it takes so much of my concentration, so much of my mental energies that there is no room for the pondering of questions of why, or how, what the hell does this really mean. It's all taken up with the facts, figures and forms that i'll need for a test later.

For the most part I'm ok with this. I figure it's a season now where i'm taking in information and world view changes. Later I'll have the time and energy to make connections between it all that make some kind of sense and help me answer a question or two.

But on the down side it has made me a TERRIBLE conversationist. I'm a cacophony of awkward pauses and confusing logic. My apologies to anyone i have spoken to on the phone with lately.

poor grandma. (shakes head in guilt)

And then there's also the fear that sits in the back of my head that i've somehow lost the ability to think like I once did. But if I went into all the fears that are in the back of that thing i'd be blogging for days.

2009-03-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Thursday, June 21, 2007

words words words....with a sprinkle of meaning
In the search for truth we follow great but fleeting scents I catch upon the wind. They lead us in their direction, in frantic desperate steps. Then fade away into the mire of the familiar smoke of heavy lies surrounding us. We are confused, with no other choice, walking slowly, in the direction, stumbling along like children in the dark. Until we catch the scent again and run.

They are all honest humble steps

Though taken by a fools and a thieves

Be patient, I must go slowly…be patient with me.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

connections
At what level must we connect with people in order to love them?

how vulnerable must we become.

Saul wrote, "above all things guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life." Can i still truly love and have deep connections with people and still "guard my heart?"

or to truly love in the way that Christ loved and in the way that brings true freedom must I be willing to show my heart and in the same way make it vulnerable. Vulnerable to already broken people...the kind that are most likley to hurt it.

Or i can stand on the outskurts. Have friends, showing as much grace and love as possible but never allowing them to enter in. to come to that dangerous vulnerable place, instead always make sure i am able to walk away easly if need be.

"above all else guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life."

a couple of questions for my mind to consider and my soul to wrestle with.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A blog on Blogs, (aka) a blog blog, (aka) Thoughts on blogging.
I love blogging. I love the idea of putting ones thought out there in a cohesive and organized manor. Which is in stark contrast to how we often feel we are communicating ourselves to the world.

I love the idea of reading someone's thoughts. Weather they be broken of triumphant. I like people's thoughts. Especially when they are humble and honest... proud posers need not apply.

I would do it much more except that one though nags at me as I set to type out the jumbled mess that is my thoughts, "why am I doing this?"

On the one hand I think that honesty is a main path to our freedom. The ability to be completely truthfull with who you are and how you think and feel, putting it all out there for any and all to read (and if they must) judge.

But not really care.

On the other hand, am I just doing this as a huge "LOOK AT ME!!" not so silently looking for some sort of validation and notoriety? Waiting with a hope that sits in the back of one's mind that says...please notice and care.

I don't want to be an attention whore...I fear I already am.

But I don't want to hide either, afraid to be open, to be known.

dear Jesus, When you finally come out with bible part 2 (and frankly we could really use it about now) please include a chunk
on the internet. Thank you.
-mike

Sunday, September 17, 2006

a poem
One faint glimmer heavey shadows fail to drown

But hide away, hide away, never hear a sound

he crys mercy now and again by mouth and mind

What is it I am to find, Was to see, fail to look for

The glimmer flickers one at him

What which he could not kill but smothered in sin

by loves great tenacity it was the light that mould not leave

Through actions moan, "let me alone."

it always stayed with him

a cool and steady wind

the constant truth of LOVE

past thoughts and musings

2009-03-26T15:20:00.001-07:00

I have not post on here in a loooong time. And just like returning to the game after a long leisurely off season i feel I need to ease my way back in, lest I pull a blog-muscle. The most self-involved muscle of them all. So i'm going to start with a bunch of old blogs that i liked.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Psh...you would read this, wouldn't you.
There are certain sentences that if you fespond to someone else with them, it really doesn't matter what you say, it's kind of insulting.

Case and point; "you would _______." IT really doesnt matter what the other person says. If you respond with this. It's a bit insulting and your first reaction nay very well be do deny the accusation.

Person 1: I just gave away everything to the homeless.
Person 2: Psh, you would give away everything to the homeless.

Person 1: I just saved 20 orphans from that burning building!
Person 2: You would save them.

Person 1: I just won 500 dollers
Person 2: You would win.

Go ahead try it with your friends. Just throw it in at some point!

You would try it!

2009-02-21T10:25:00.001-08:00

(pokes head in and looks around)

Geez, i haven't been here in a while. I think i'll start visiting again.

2008-12-12T05:48:00.000-08:00

looking back on some old blogs i realize something...

my typing is atrocious.

2008-12-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

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the other day i went to go see this movie, I can't really tell you what it was called. Everyone here just calls it "black Jesus" as in,
"hey, come watch black Jesus with us!" It was an ok flick, but it got me thinking...

Why do we always think of Jesus as white?

according to the first century Jewish historian Josephus the real Jesus looked much more like a black man then a modern Jewish one. In fact, according to Dr. Mosha, an anthropologist here who specializes in middle eastern culture, the whole of the middle east would have looked much more african then.

When did the traditional western picture of the Jesus become a white dude with flowing hair? This we can chalk on up to good ol' Constantine, the man responsible for taking christianity off the Roman most wanted list the throwing it into the political ring. Then this happened he also decided that he needed a pretty Jesus image to lead his armies into battle. The easy answer, just take the already make image the greek god Apolos and throw Jesus' name on it.
WA LA! you have ready made white Jesus.

How different would it have been if we would have left him a dark skinned Jew?

What else are we just throwing Jesus' name on and using his image for?

How much of our culture have we allowed to bleed into our gospel?

The more I read that more I'm convinced...a whole hell of a lot.

2008-12-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

This was thanks giving dinner this year. A far cry from the solo cups, paper plates, video games and and screaming kids that normally make the day. I went to michigan to spend it with of sister and we went over to one of her friends places to eat. It was amazing food and you have not lived untill you eat peach stuffing. Plus they all turned out to be amazingly kind and entertaining folk. Despite the fact that i had to play my nemesis of hands...apples toe apples. Ugh.

2008-12-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

Proof that there is no higher archy at this school. The man putting up those lights is the university chanselor. A man with multiple doctorits.

2008-11-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

The buildings at school are pretty old and so there are these little doors scattered all around, hiden here and there. Everytime i see one i feel the compulsion to open it. imagining amazing suprises on the other side. Perhaps its full of candy and toys. or a doorway to a miny, poorly hidden narnia. or, and i only dare dream this on special days, the living courters for the race of little people that secretly live on campus. Sadly though, i have only discovered pipes and storage spaces so far. but i'm keeping hope alive.

Voices in my head

2008-11-18T12:19:00.001-08:00

hey mike, hey buddy, look I know you've been having a hard time these last couple of days. mainly due to the fact that yesterday you turned 25 and find yourself working at a friendly's and taking collage courses with 17 year old and not having any friends in a new city.

I know buddy...it's a rough day in here (gestures to slightly chaotic head space)but hey, I have something that will hopefully cheer you up and convince you your life is just totally behind.

A list, you'll figure out what it's for:
-BORN!!
-watched parents fight eating disorders and win
-traveled to 39 states by bus, building sets and doing plays the whole way with 40 of your friends and class mates.
-shook President Clinton's hand
-Got "asked to leave" school.
-Decided this Jesus thing was the real deal and i'm in
-Graduated high school
-went to Vancouver Canada for 6 month DTS
-Worked in Mother Theresa Home of the Dieing
-Spent Easter in Himalayas and helped build a church there
-At grasshoppers, beetles, frogs, maggots,
-Got a tattoo
-Got heart broken
-Was on Swedish T.V.
-Was on CNN
-Moved to South African Townships
-started after school program
-Loved dieing people and wept a lot for them
-Got mugged...multiple times
-Led a team in Namibia for 3 months
-bought, Killed, Skinned and cooked a goat for 20
-Lived among traditional tribesmen for 3 weeks
-Ran from the police
-Got caught in a riot and gassed
-Got stuck in Ethiopia and left behind
-Got bit by a Hyena
-prayed all night on Mt. Sinai
-Learned to Scuba Dive in malawi and the Red sea.
-met old friends in London and realized you like them even more.
-Learned to care for people other's don't
-Learned that God was bigger then I expected by reading books and meeting people who showed me
-Ran a high school youth group
-Traveled around Ireland for 2 weeks with old friends
-taught children with Autism
-betrayed trusts
-broke someone's heart
-Moved to a new city and started school where I wanted

see, despite where you are now, you’ve lived to the best of your ability. Don’t worry about it…dummy.

2008-11-13T07:46:00.000-08:00

Monday is my birthday...I'll be 25.

The truth is my major birthdays have been kind of a bust. 20 was good, I don't really remember what I did, but I'm sure it was exciting and meaningful. Full of exciting misadventure and deep realizations of the existential nature of self and man.

But since then They have been kind of a bust:
18: I was in school and very angsty. This wasn't special for my 18th birthday, i was angsty all the time. But still...it carried over.
21: I was stuck in the township. Sure i was in south africa but i couldn't go out of the base walls and i was really busy being melodramatic about a girl...girls, psh.

And now it's time for my 25th. I have school durring the day but refuse to sit at home doing homework and feeling sorry for myself...

So what should i do? suggestions?

2008-11-11T08:03:00.001-08:00

This is the conundrum of my life right now...

I think i made a mistake in deciding to live off campus. I'm sick of the drive, I'm sick of not knowing anyone. I'm sick of being too far away from anything to participate in anything.

So my choices are, slug it out or move onto campus.

The problem with slugging it out is that I won't be proactively working to change anything. I don't like that. It makes me feel powerless.

The problem with moving on campus is that I won't have anywhere to live for the summer.

The best thing would be to find a place with someone off campus but still near campus, but I have no idea where to find that person.

what to do, what to do, what to do.

-sigh.

I'm still foolish.

2008-11-04T14:51:00.001-08:00

Today i forgot...

Matthew 6:24

where hope really comes from.

(insert whitty quip about context here)

2008-11-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

Timing is everything. It's true, someone could have the most brilliant, perception shattering, hope inspiring thing to say, but if they can't find the right timing, the right context in which to say it it doesn't matter.

This goes for the bible too. This book was written during a certain time, i a certain context and with certain assumptions of what the reader would know and interoperate. We forget that a lot of the time, wanting to believe that this book fell from the heavens like manna from the lips of God.

But it wasn't. It was written by men, in a culture, with motives and purpose, and God inspires and uses that. But still...there's context. Without that we miss a lot. In fact, without it i think my may miss the real message. It gets lost in a flurry of pop-culture religion focused on this overarching theme of individualism and morality.

I guess what i'm trying to say ( it always seems to change as i write on here) is that I think the history of the bible and the cultures it was written in is devastatingly important, and i need to learn much more of it.
And also this election has made me think of some things that i was going to write, but i'm afraid that it'll just come off as for or against a certain candidate campaigning. That the message of what i'm really trying to convey will get lost in the context of everything that is happening. So i'll wait.

until wednesday.

I'm falling behind

2008-10-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

I generally have trouble going to sleep. I'm not sure why this is but it's been true ever since i got here. And i'm pretty sure it's detrimental to both my physical and mental health. So last night, after the Philly's game was rained out, I forced myself to turn off the light and lay there until uncontiouness found me. it worked.

But this morning i woke up at about 6am, with nothing to do but curse the cold that was scratching at my nose and allow my mind to wander.

Now there is something that you must know about "just woken up" mike. He's generally angry...at everything. This is why I usually just don't talk until about 10. Though while in africa MB found a little trick that would significantly reduce my grump time, food.

But this morning, as i lay there, my mind went over all the things that I need to do still, -read 100 pages - write 3 papers -research said papers - brush my teeth - find friends - figure out what i'm going to do with my life - decided if i want to ever get married (i never said these things made sense) - write a well though out and meaningful blog - shave - get a drink - call my sick grandmother - study for a western civ. test - buy plane ticket home - put on pants!

It was torturous.

And this may be why i have trouble sleeping at night. Somewhere deep within the cacophony that is my subcontious i am trying to avoid these thoughts. So what's the solution...

I'm just going to stop thinking.

(looks around for "The Hills" season 2 dvd)

Muslims...the new black.

2008-10-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

Incase you forgot the elections are only 2 weeks away.
It's all very exciting. If for no other reason then because this 8 month spectacle will be over.

Some people are really encouraged to see that a black man will very likely be our next president. I'm not though.

Why? Because I don't think it actually shows anything about this country moving away from it's racism.

About 3 months ago I received a mass e-mail "warning" me that Obama is an Arab. Which for some reason means that he has terrorist roots. And then a few days ago a women at a mcCain rally expressed that she couldn't trust him because he was an Arab.

Now I understand that most people don't think or believe these things, that they know they are crazy ignorance. The real things that steals my excitement for a country devoid of popular racism are people's reaction to these.

They retort with an assurance that he is not. That he is for sure a Christian and an American. Or as McCain replies to that women, that he's "a decent family man citizen." When people's real reaction should be...

WHO THE HELL CARES IF HE IS OR ISN'T!!

The fact that there is so much fear of people of Arab decent, that Obama's ethnicity should even have to be defended, that it isn't exposed as pure ignorant idiocy that him being an Arab would mean he's any less of a man or candidate, shows the racism that still exists.

Before we are Americans we are still human. Still broken fallen beings ruled by our fears, judging in our ignorance and having a long way to go.

THE BIBLE!!!

2008-10-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

I'm learning a lot about it here. Its and interesting experience studying it while also studying history and sociology. It creates an interesting lens to look at it through.

In response to these thoughts i have actually written about 4 different "blogs" trying to describe them. When after writng them i always realize 3 things.

1. This thing is long! Even I don't want to read it.

2. Mike you are a preachy self righteous bastard. Seriously, who do you think you are.

3. My ramblings on these things are confusing at best.

and so i quickly erase them and come to this conclusion,

Scripture is big. Not so much big in a size sense (though it is) i mean big in a meaning sense. It cuts to a very deep core of reality and truth and takes lives and even generations to dig through and fully discover. Which seems right if it's talking about a real God over simplicity for the sake of easy consumption just wouldn't cut it. And fully understanding it would take time and effort and some real wrestling.

If i can't express these things i'm thinking about in a concise and understandable manner, i'm missing something, and need to wrestle with it some more.

And the award for most annoying goes to...

2008-10-15T07:32:00.000-07:00

I took this photo as i was sitting in a large room waiting to hear what Donald Miller (of "blue like jazz" fame) was going to come and say.

while Sitting there reading and retaining a healthy skepticism (I always do when it comes to famous christians) i hear behind me.

WOOOOOO DONALD, I LOVE DONALD! (insert inane banter for the soul purpose of getting attention). This went on for well, untill the brother actually came out and began to speak. Then they simply transitioned into quiet inane banter for the purpose of...who the hell knows.

All that being said i have dubbed the 2 males and open mouth female behind me, "the most annoying people at Eastern University." Congratulations! I'll probably sit next to you in a class at some point.

This is freaking ridicules

2008-10-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

I lost my pants.

Seriously, who and how does someone loose their pants.

I've looked everywhere for them too.

geez...this is getting bad. What am I going to be like when i'm 70?

2008-10-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

FALL IS HERE!! FALL IS HERE!!!

that is all.

I'm having issues...where's my sugar daddy?

2008-10-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

When i started going to school here i though i knew exactly what i wanted to do. I wanted to work for some kind of non-profit that worked with people either over seas or in a inner city environment. Simple right.

But in the last month or so i have been studying and reading a lot about non-profit and mainly international aid agencies. It turns out...a lot of them don't do a lot of good. Sure they mean well and on a small one to one person level they help that person. But when you back up and look at the whole picture, at how they are affecting the total development and economic progress of that area/nation, it turns out, a lot of them may very well be doing harm. It's complicated. Way more complicated then i ever though it could be, but still that seems to be the consensus among folks who study this kind of thing.

And so now...now i'm not sure i want to do that anymore. which raises another question...

WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!?

I think this might be the answer....it's good...right?

a little more insight into life here.

2008-10-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

ast week in a mag. called Philidelphia they did a story. Mainly it was about a band here called mewithoutyou but in it they talk about the church I go to here and some people i have gotten to meet there. it's a little cynical but still fair, just how i like it.

He starts with...
"Philadelphia is either home to the most genuinely Christian movement in America or it’s a festering spiritual slum. All depends on how you look at it."

Well see.

Here is the link to the article:
http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/articles/17703/cover-story

2008-10-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

People watching: A cinematic adventure

2008-10-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

At this moment i am sitting at the on campus bookstore. stuffed inconsicuasly into the corner where i sit, type and just generally lurk. Why do i choose this one extremely unsociable spot? because...

I like to watch people. Though i don't partake in it to the full extent i would like to because i think it makes me creepy.

(And at all costs you gotta avoid the creepy.)

I feel the best way to do this is to throw some headphones into your ears, the itunes choose some sounds for you and slowly let your gaze pan the crowed.

It feels like the end to almost every Gray's Anatomy episode. A slow montage set to music for tone...for no real reason other then emotional masturbation.

At them same time I feel like it helps me put the whole world into a context. A lense other then the foggy glasses I usually find myself squinting to see through, that i can watch reality through. I've been doing this a lot lately because i feel slightly out of controle...more on that later.

The best music in my humble opinion to do this with...
Nanties......................................Beirut
Boy with a coin..........................Iron and wine
For the windows of paradise......Sufjan Stevens
Jezebel......................................Iron and Wine
Modern Love.............................Bloc Party
Marching bands in Manhattan...Death Cab for Cutie
In the Sun.................................Joseph Aurther
Breath Me.................................Sia

Sure it might make you a little Melancholy but...

TRY IT!

This IS genius!!

2008-10-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

It is not a secret that I am generally skeptical of anything retail related. Maybe this comes from growing up in the ultra consumer focused Land of L.A. suburbs. Or maybe it's because by nature I am a bit of a contrarian. Either way as soon as a advertisment tells me I NEEEEEEED to buy something, the defenses come up.

Don't try to convince me need something. Actually i probably am better off without it. I DO WHAT I WANT!!! I REFUSE YOU!!!

ya, it's gets dramatic.

But i have 2 vices that get past my radar every time.
1. tattoos/art. I always feel justified in buying this. Mainly because I feel like giving to artists is like donating to the bettering of society. The more art there is in a place the better i feel like it is. Ya, i know there are tons of reason this is not true but were just talking about feeling's here people so take it easy.

2. Music. This one is on the same level as art except that added in is the fact that I really like it and when I discover a new band that others don't know it makes me feel cool.

All this to say, I have recently stumbled upon the genius feature on I-tunes (no plug intended). This thing is really going to be a problem for me. All kinds of music recommended to me based off of songs I already like...dang it...how can i resist.
Sure it's a bit hit or miss, throwing in tracks that I suspect someone paid to have there. Bust still every now and then it leads to an undiscovered gem.

So if the next time you speak to me i am impoverished and humming some heavenly melody you have not heard before...you know why.

Why i'm in a good mood.

2008-09-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am in a fantastic mood right now, and it's for a few different reasons. They are the following.

1. I skipped my 8:30 class and slept in a little bit.
2. I just took a test...KILLED IT!!
3. I got a new job, i'm a server at a dennies/type restaurant and will soon be saying goodbye to the dishwasher in a cafeteria where i have a slogging away.
4. I realized I may have a unnatural love for the church I go to now ( circleofhope.net ), even to the point where i have joined a small group. This may not seem like a big deal to most but it really is to me. perhaps i'll expound on this later.
5. I'm pretty sure my facial hair comes in thicker here.
6. The weather is fantastic today. It's like the sky is happy with me. It's sunny, cool and breezy. The kind of weather that makes me breath deeply a lot because i like the smell of it.
7. I got a package in the mail from my friend Jolene. AkA: jo jo, aka: itchy. When i was about to leave she went around to all the corona folk i love and got them to pur goodbye messages on tape. She then spent the last...i don't know how long...slogging over it editing. The results came in the mail today. I felt physically warm with love I don't deserve, which i'm pretty sure is grace. She's my favorite person now.

So there they are, all the reasons for my general feeling of peace and well being.

Maby there is some kind of higher power I should show gratitude to...

-mike

2008-09-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

The picture wouldn't come out, but recently people have begun to list all the things God frees us from. Injustice, hate, apathy, bitterness, sin...it goes on.

Only at Eastern University does bathroom stall graffiti turn into a theological discussion.

SHRED IT MATIKA!!!

2008-09-26T07:50:00.001-07:00

Situations that have NO chance of ending well: today in my african studies class one of the students brought his skateboard in. Upon seeing it, my 50+ Year old proffersor from he african nation of malawie stopped in mid sentence, walked over and said, "what is this." "It's my long board" the student replied. Wanna ride it?" Professor Matika then proceeded to tentatively step onto the shakey board.

He started rolling, almost falls, starts rolling again then exclaims in a tone of of sudden epiphany, "agh, what am i doing. I am an old man." and got off the board to resume the lecture.

He has done this for the last 3 days in a row.

Prof. Matika is my favorite teacher...even though he is actively trying to kill us with reading.

-mike

THE BIBLE!!!

2008-09-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

This was stolen from the blog, stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com

but i still really wish i could have a convesation like this with someone some day. and that i could write this well.

If you ever ask me what my favorite book is and I say, "The Great Gatsby," I'm sorry, I just lied to you. I didn't mean to, it slipped out. I want to look smart but not weird obscure smart, so for a number of years, that was the answer I used to say.

The truth is that if favorite book is determined strictly by the number of times you have read a certain title, then mine is "Eye of the World" by Robert Jordan. It's a fantasy series that my wife takes great pleasure teasing me about because there's a white horse on the cover that looks like a unicorn. It's not a unicorn, it's a majestic white horse about to embark on an adventure of epic proportions where friends will become enemies, enemies will become friends and the fate of the world will hang in the balance of one young farm boy that … see, I'm a dork.

I should say "Bible" when someone asks me what my favorite book is. That's what you're supposed to say if you're a Christian. But everyone knows that, what about the harder questions? What do you say when people ask you the desert island question or the "who would you have dinner with" question? What then? How do you navigate that conversation? I suggest the following answers:

1. What are your two favorite books?
"The Old Testament and the New Testament."

2. Right, but what about other books?
"CS Lewis." (Regardless of if you have ever read any, just name drop Lewis. Works like a charm.)

3. OK, how about fiction?
"Chronicles of Narnia or Lord of the Rings. This Present Darkness is pretty good too."

4. What about favorite movie?
"That's a tie between the Passion of the Christ, Facing the Giants and Braveheart. The TBS edited version of course."

5. What would you take with you on a desert island?
"The Bible and CS Lewis."

6. He's dead though.
"Not on this island he isn't."

7. Fine, then what three people living or dead would you go out to dinner with? And don't say Jesus, you're going to spend eternity with him, surely you can go get baby back ribs with someone else.
"That's a tough one. How about Moses, Paul and Zack Morris."

8. Zack Morris isn't real. That's just a character played by Mark Paul-Gosselaar on the show Saved by the Bell.
"Why does that matter? In this dinner scenario you're bringing Moses and Paul back to life, why can't Zack Morris come? And not "College Years," Zack Morris, I'm talking about when he was at Bayside High. That Zack."

9. That’s absurd. This whole quiz has broken down. I'm not even sure where it's going.
"Good, then I win.

10. Win, win what?
"The Bible."

See, if you just follow those easy steps and answer the questions that way, not only will you get to look holy, you'll get to talk about CS Lewis and Zack Morris while concluding with "The Bible." It's a pretty nice little package when you think about it.

p.s. A reader, with a name I couldn't find in my old emails, suggested this idea. Thanks for the fun idea. My bad on misplacing your email.

brother!?

2008-09-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

Debie Comacho sent me this photo, and when i first opened it i though to myself, "why did she send me a terribly uninteresting picture of myself." but upon closer inspection i realized...

holy crap! that's not me!

who is this kid? could it be that my parents have by lying to me all these years? That all this time, the jokes from my sisters and my own suspicions have been true...that i'm adopted? Perhaps were twins, separated at birth because our crack addicted mother could not care for us and decided to sell me for a bowl of cereal and another hit of smack?

This would really explain a lot of things. Like why my wrist doesn't work and i can't spell or remember anything (the crack messed up my development), why I still can't find my birth certificate, why my sisters youst to play door step baby and scream "YOUR ADOPTED!!" at me for no apparent reason other then boardroom. any why all my sisters looked like little Japanese dolls when they were born and i was just a little toe headed whitey with a short attention span. It all makes so much sense now.

other then the multiple existential conundrums and confusions that this threw me into, it make me think.

For about the first 4 months that i lived in Corona, about two time a month someone would come up to me asking if i went to (add in random corona high school) and that i looked really familiar to them. Now i know why.

I have now created a whole persona and life for him in my head...more on this later.

-mike

"your not helpful"

2008-09-19T16:48:00.001-07:00

today I was talking to someone and in a moment of uncharacteristic vulnerability i mention that i had started to become kind of lonely being here.

Their response, in this, my moment of open weakness...

"Then go and and meet people."

ya...thanks.

2008-09-19T10:22:00.001-07:00

I have been going school here for about a month now. I spend my days wondering around moslty, trying to find a little hidden room here, a gazebo there or maby just another pleasant forested path (this place has tons of them) But yesterday i made a somewhat startling discovery
THE LIBRARY HAS A WHOLE SECOND FLOOR!! Given i probably should have realized this due to the fact that there is clearly 3 floors form the outside, but some how this fact completely escaped me. So you gotta wonder...what else is there that i've been missing.

In the magical mystery second floor there are also a number of these rooms. Each one looks slightly different ( this one, for some reason, is dedicated to an elderly black woman). These are my favorite places to be. Maby because they are quiet and peaceful and i can lay down n the floor without feeling judged. Or mabey it's because I am slowly becoming more and more antisocial misfit, fearful of all human interaction. Either way i'm glad i have this room now.

2008-09-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

I just came back from an interview with another prospective employer. He sounded pretty posative about me working there. But then again, they always do. I guess they usually figure why crush his hopes here and now. Let the slow passing of time and silence of his phone do it for us.

BUT I'M KEEP'N HOPE ALIVE. in the mean time i will continue my on campus bid to be the sexiest damn cafeteria worker at Eastern University...it's not going well.

2008-09-15T13:56:00.001-07:00

Stupidity of the day: While trying to walk out of the library i opened up an emergency exit door. Then while trying to decide if i should make a run for it to avoid embaresing myself further, I mowed down the poor girl who came to check on it.

I'm a disaster who should be avoided at all cost.

2008-09-15T08:34:00.001-07:00

<
while searching around on the vortex of nothingness that is the NET i happened upon this little jewel of information posted on http://www.planetizen.com:

"Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States, a survey of visitors and residents showed on Friday. The city of more than 1.5 million people was also found to be among the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly, according to the 'America's Favorite Cities' survey by Travel & Leisure magazine and CNN Headline News."

this brings up a few different thoughts and feelings in me:
1. What!? I haven't noticed that. Unless...crap...i have felt like i fit in really well here.

2. Well at least i don't live in ultra pretty/stylish-vill. I think i would just be pissed at people all the time. Like people here. I like people who are dirtier anyway. Makes me feel more free to be.

3. What does "least worldly" even mean? I don't think i really want to be worldly...sounds uppity.

4. Over all i feel like this means were winning. winning what you might ask, i don't know...but were still kick'n everyone ass at it.

POWER TO THE UGGOS!!

The conflict of Kingdoms

2008-09-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

today There was a speaker on campus. Lois Cecsarini, a U.S. Foreign Service Office for 22 years,she talked about going to Angola, South Africa and Israel Palestine to work as a mediator in the conflicts there.

And it got me thinking.

I think i would like to do that. I mean, really like to do that.

but it makes me nervous. Could i work for the government like that. could i be their representative? What if i'm told to carry out things i just don't agree with. What if I'm told to carry out things that i don't think are the way of Christ?

This whole idea warrants a lot of though. Not just in trying to choose if i would really want to pursue this, but in thinking about is this really the way of Christ.

Pros: I believe that God always takes the side of the oppressed. That he is for the meak and the unpowerful. and that He is the God of peace, bringing his people and this world to a redemption beyond the myth of redemptive violence. And if i were to work for the state department like this woman does i would mainly be doing that. Working twords an end to conflict and human rights abuses.

Cons: There are a hell of a lot of things that this country, it's government does that fall so far out of line with all of that. And my final allegiance is, and will always be, to the Kingdom of God. Not to the flag and it's government.
But can i work for them?

opinions please.

-mike

2008-09-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

This is a porter thats around campus for cheerleading tryouts. One part says, "show your school spirit in a fun way." i immediatly thought to myself, nope. Its either violent and boaring or nothing for me. Then laughted out loud to myself. ...normal people don't think like this.

Pithy little messages in cliche little pictures

2008-09-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

I very much like messages like this. Simple, slightly over simplistic and hyper emotional. Lacking very little realism or empirical function.

but still, i like them a lot. I have a lot of thoughts run around in my mind. like a maze of half ideas and incomplete theories. And even though they usually start out trying to find a way to the same goal...I get lost. Lost in my own head and motives.

But signs like this, though they may be pithy or cliche, they help me to remember again. I need the simplicity, i'm simple like that.

oh, and because i'm kind of an idiot.

2008-09-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

The topics of this group of people: the movie vanhelsing, starting the karate club, the new mortal combat game, can the flash beat superman, time continuems, south park. Awsome.

a MESS!

2008-09-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

Reasons why I'm a mess:

-I have gotten lost almost every single time I have driven to school...it's rediculas.

-Today it took me an hour and 15 min to go 10 miles.

-I seem to have lost 2 folders full of papers and notes i need for class.

-I have missed my first class 2 days in a row. It's early and like I said before, IT keep getting lost on the way here.

-I still don't know ANYONE here...and they are getting on my nerves.

-I forgot my wallet today...so i can't buy food...so I'm get grumpy. This may be the reason I'm complaining so much.

Please disregard this self pity/bitch session. I'm a little embarrassed by it.

-mike

loner-hood my old friend

2008-09-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

I don't like meeting new people.

No, actually I just don't like greeting new people. You know, the polite verbal groping around in the social darkness, trying to find a commonality to talk about, "what do you do, where are you from, what is your major, i like your tattoo, you have ten fingers, ME TOO!" I hate that. Especially if you don't happen upon something by the time you run out of questions and there is just the strained silence as you both look around the room praying some other uncomfortable loaner will join you and they hey can be your commonality.

So most days i just choose not do it. And today was one of those days.

I enter the ridiculously over crowded lunch room.
Fill my plate with copious amounts of food, all having something to do with cheese for some reason.
Sit down in an empty table (which is of-course in the middle of the room)
and pull out my oldest of friends, a book.

It was about 30 minutes into stuffing my mouth with food and my mind with knowledge that i had a realization...

"If i were behind the library and 30lbs heavier, it would be high school." And I smiled to myself...I was so cool in highschool.

-mike

employment hopes

2008-09-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

I found this job posting on my school's website. It's for taking care of a little girl (10 years) with some pretty serious disabilities.

Kids, disabilities? I got this gig down. this is what i do. So i am going to meet the familly and the little girl for the first time on Thursday. I was going to go swing dancing...but...sacrifices must be made.

The only hitch, the fact that i'm a guy. I think this really does make them nervous. I understand that. I mean really how many guys want to work with little kids, not to mention little kids with severe developmental disabilities. ya, i get it.

But i like them.

so i hope i can make them feel comfortable enough to decided to hire me. Or that their just extremely desperate. I'll take it either way.

-mike

2008-08-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

At the moment i write this i have no job and no real friends. There are a myriad of reasons for this, some my doing, some situational, but i won't go into those boring and trite details. No, instead i have decided to be proactive.

Instead i have decided to join a kickball league!

this could really go either way.

-mike

2008-08-30T18:42:00.001-07:00

Waking up today i felt inspired and excited to do 2 things. Ride my bike about town, then find a park and read my favorite book in it. The only problem with this plan is that 1. this freak'n town is nothing but hills and I am a terribly out of shape young man. 2: As soon as I laid down the park seemed to be committed to driving me out with gnats and other various critters, including a small dog.

But being determined to carry out my plans i huffed and puffed swearing lightly under my breath for 8 miles they laid down and let Mamma T guide me to a better spirituality.

It was actually a really good afternoon.

-mike

2008-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

How old is this place that there is a fire place in the bathroom?

2008-08-29T09:32:00.001-07:00

I an currently sitting in the german town social security office. A mass of incredably slow beurocracy and human diversity. And in every room, a framed picture of george w bush. Why? Is that a rule, that every government office has to have the presidents picture?

2008-08-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

In the financial age office there are insperation pictures on the wall. they say destiny, justice, faith and reason. Thats fine, the real problem is that none of the corresponding pictures have anything to do the words. They are a all at the beach of things like sticks, birds, a old boat,and another one of absolutly nothing. Just the sky. Why? Why there pictures? Come on financial age office, lets put a litte effort into our inspiration.

2008-08-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the waiting room as i prepare to pee into a cup to prove i'm not a drug addict, i watch the nurse/attendent. Office is abandoned except for this one, extreeny board and unhappy looking woman. i'M going to try and talk to her. she prob loanly, sitting here on her own all day. I would be.

2008-08-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting in orientation, surrounded by bright eyed students and parents. It makes me wish that i had done the tradional track and gone to collage right off the back, lived in the dorms. You know, done the whole deal. But them i remember my life and where god has taken me in the last 8 years...and i feel very happy and greatful.

2008-08-22T18:23:00.001-07:00

My favorite thing to do at night is to walk the maze of row houses. I put some music in my ears and a clove on my lips and meander down the road imagining i'm in a movie, the music in my ears the soundtrack. It helps me think. To feel removed from my reality as if watching on a screen. i can't be the onlyone who does and thinks like this. And yet the sidewalk is so empty.

2008-08-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

I have been here for about a week now. What have I done? it feels like a whole lot of nothing. But not that I really give it serious consideration i have done...enough. I have found a church, bought and assembled a room, gotten ready for school, searched for a possibly found a job.

But still i spend most of my day sitting in the house. Like my own private alamo, secluded from the outside world. I don't want to do this, it's just that i have nothing to do, nowhere to really go, and no money to waste.

Actually this isn't really an alamo, it's a self made prison.

But the irony still abounds in the fact that i really like this house. I really like my housemates and i really like Philadelphia. I just need more to do.

And to add the small ironic cherry to the top of all this. In a month when i and going to school, working and (hopefully) have a social life i will long for these days of nothingness back.

-mike

2008-08-21T09:27:00.001-07:00

This is own reading\relaxing area. I sit and read\relax here. The only problem is that i am seriously addicted to tv and my comp. I'm pretty sure they make me a worse person. Actually i'm certain of it. poor lonely reading\relaxing room.

2008-08-20T10:15:00.001-07:00

My first piece of mail. Does this mean i really LIVE here now?

2008-08-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

This place is rediculasly beautiful...it makes me feel nervous.

2008-08-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

I need to find a job so i an currently filling out a app to be a manny for rich kids...Part of me hopes i don't get it.

2008-08-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

i'm in a new house, in a new city, about to go to a new school and trying to find a new job. The newness is overwhelming around me lately.
And i feel just slightly overwhelmed by it all. so this blog will contain only the bare fact:

Fact 1. I really like my place. It's old and wooden and will probably drafty as hell come winter, but i like it. And I also like my roommates. They are nice and talkative and pretty laid back it seems. So my living arrangements are a 8 out of 10.

Fact 2. I need a job. At this point i would take almost anything (except serving people burgers or telling them to buy clothes. I'm not that low yet) Ideally i would like to do something in the city with youth. But I'm not too hopeful for that right now. I just want to be able to earn a check.

fact 3. I don't miss home...but i miss a couple of people.

2008-08-18T17:08:00.001-07:00

I have decided to start posting things on here again. The real irony and humor of it is...i don't think anyone knows its here.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME BITCH!!!

(laughs lightly to self)

2007-11-19T10:04:00.000-08:00

I just got this from one of the ladies i work with. She's my favorite now.

2007-10-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Nicole and i went to see nightmare before christmas. The best part...fancy glasses!

2007-10-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

On the back of this truck was written: 100% Skill, 100% deadly. I foot know what that means, but its so white trash that it makes me like it.

2007-10-26T09:26:00.001-07:00

My congrats to Tommie, the first corona friend to make the cross our to my Covina friends. Its a rare Event.

2007-10-22T16:52:00.001-07:00

There is a guy in my math class who wears a pager. All class it is my deep curiosity ...why? Are you on call for work... As a 80's drug dealer? do you just not think the cell phone fad will last? Or Maby you just have a amazingly demanding but behind on the times girlfriend? What could it be? if only algebra Interested of this much.

2007-10-20T23:37:00.001-07:00

new but random self realization: i cant year ear plugs because i am a loud heavy breather and the sound of it in my ears is too much...my apologies to anyone i have ever slept near.

2007-10-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

We were told to write what we wanted our legacy to be. I wrote: i hope that others would have the realization that: -apathy and selfishness is the enemy of life and freedom, even in small amounts. -Safety is over rated and faith is a dangerous undertaking. To love is to take a risk. The two will grow together and so will the beauty of our souls. -blessed are the meek, poor, oppessed and humble and needy. Learn to truly love and be near them and you will be near the heart of God.

2007-10-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

Today and my friend jason went bouldering. It was a good time except that for some reason now my finger is completly numb...im prob getting leprosy.

2007-10-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Late at night the Men's retreat usually turns to board games and cards. Unfortunatly both of those were left behind and so the lounging and small talk begins...i hate small talk.

2007-10-19T17:11:00.001-07:00

On the way to Men's retreat with dad. It has become czecsj tradition originally forced upon up by mom. Good ol' mom.

2007-10-18T17:15:00.001-07:00

Thoughts while driving home: i wish i had a flying car almost more them i wish i could fly myself. That way the gov. Wont try to capture and experament on me...oh but they would take my car. Its a tops up...Damn the man!

worse then insults...

2007-10-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

today I stood in a large group and made a joke, or at least what i thought was a joke at the moment...untill i heard it leave my lips. It was a comment so devoid of actual humor that is was actually a little sad. The delivery though made it obvious i was making a attempt at humor.

it is at this point that a odd phinominon occured...there was laughter.

Why would they laugh? I wondered silently to myself.

There was obviously no real humor there.

No true reason to giggle or snicker or gufah or even chortal. No reason at all.

There was only one explanation...a reason I tried to deny but could not.

Something even worse then akward silence or insults. IT is...

THE PITTY LAUGH.

oh how i hate you old foe.

2007-10-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

I slipped work today to try and catch up on all the things life demands of me... Its not going well.

Test test

2007-10-17T12:36:00.001-07:00

Test test